<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>does this darkness have a name? (is it your name?) by imapartofallthativemet</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28622679">does this darkness have a name? (is it your name?)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/imapartofallthativemet/pseuds/imapartofallthativemet'>imapartofallthativemet</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5x18 ending, Angst, Character Study, Gen, and i wanted to give her the space to explain it, honestly I don't know what to tag this with, lena luthor is a traumatized child, or for it to be something that can be comforted away, without it being okay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:23:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,094</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28622679</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/imapartofallthativemet/pseuds/imapartofallthativemet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lena tries to explain after being let into Kara's apartment, but there are some wounds even Supergirl can't soothe. <br/>-<br/>5x18 post ending possibilities. <br/>-<br/>Drabble</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kara Danvers &amp; Lena Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>does this darkness have a name? (is it your name?)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Sometimes…” Lena rolls her neck slowly, her rich hair spills as she watches the wine twirl in her glass. The steeled control she is exerting makes Kara’s stomach turn rancid. “When I look back on situations that scare me today, now, that I feel the need to snap on and contain and vilify. You are just like them; you are going to hurt me just the same.</p>
<p>“Once it is over, all I can see is the horror in their eyes. The silence in the room, thick only with the overreaction that had just filled the space, the extent of the outburst. I realize that I have miscalculated the extent of the boundary I needed to put up.</p>
<p>“And as I reflect on how I have overreacted, <em>once again</em>. How I have misread the room, and the level of threat, I think back to every time I have felt vulnerable and small at the hands of Lillian. I cannot help but wonder. Did I overplay that too? Was it me the whole time, goading her, pushing her inch by inch to hate me? Needing it.”</p>
<p>Kara focuses on the smallest of details, the robotic distant coldness in Lena’s eyes. The way her shoulders have curved inward as she stares at the glass of wine. Turning, turning, sloshing around in base. Kara wishes that she knew where this was going, that she could say she knew the women in front of her. This is not the woman she befriended, the one who asked her to give her a chance at a life outside of her past. Outside of her family.</p>
<p>This Lena was unreadable and downright frightening. Once warned, Kara has been balancing all her actions to keep the sky from collapsing on Lena, the weight of those tiny little indexed boxes. But she could feel it in the way the air grew thick and dense and violent that this time, she was watching Lena’s spine buckle. She was watching it snap in two.</p>
<p>“It’s hard when it stretches to the people, I’ve deemed safe.” Lena pauses, takes a long sip of the wine. “It’s a trust fracture so deep it’s irreversible once cracked. I am always looking out for the sign again. Once I know you are capable of the actions that fill me with that crude oil, I cannot separate you from the fear. I categorize you with the ones who scared me just like this and the world gets smaller and smaller with each person who messes up and when it is finally <em>just me </em>versus everyone. Every single one. When do I finally turn inward and understand that I have been the problem all along and I am the one who is created this for myself? The problem has been me all along. The <em>problem</em> is that I cannot read what a threat is. What if every person isn’t bad or evil and what if my family isn’t and what if <em>I made all of this up?</em>”</p>
<p>Finally, Kara does not need x-ray vision, or superhuman hearing to understand the moment when Lena’s spine split into two has occurred. Lena’s eyes close, exhaustion spreads through her body like cold water. She palms the wine glass, contemplating the energy to even finish the liquid. To get to the release of being drunk. Of being one step removed from the life she is in.</p>
<p>“This… this is to say I am sorry. I may have difficulty sifting through the times when I was wrong and when it was needed, but with you, it was absolutely wrong of me to act as I have.” Kara’s eyes meet hers for the first time, “it’s foolish of me to operate under any understanding that we have the relationship we once had. I just want to help you stop my brother and Leviathan. I don’t wish to cause you any more harm.”</p>
<p>The silence that follows is not entirely by Kara’s choice. The path in front of her is murky and wrong, and frustrating. She knows how to speak to civilians as Supergirl, strong and sure, and kind. She knows how to put on the quirky and clumsy Kara Danvers. But to speak as her true self, where does she exist with all this information. All this violence.</p>
<p>She clears her throat, uncrosses her arms, and tries. “The Luthor’s and how they have treated you… was not your doing, or your fault.”</p>
<p>Lena’s chuckle is thick and sarcastic, and she drains the wine glass. Placing it on the table she once shared with Kara, her family, and their peers, Lena is aware she is no longer welcome to this space. “Kara. I appreciate the sentiment. But please, do not ignore the ways I harmed this year to break even. I won’t let you diminish your worth like that.”</p>
<p>Lena moves to stand, and she watches brows furrow. Lena can see the Kara Danvers she once knew, one who seemed so frustrated in her perceived powerlessness. Now Kara filters like the old 3d glasses, each lens a new layer of understanding. Now she sees the woman who does not know how to utilize her sun given powers or her heart to fix this. Lena has seen this look a few times before, on nights when Lena has given up trying. When Kara would swear that she was good and there would be justice.</p>
<p>They stand in the silence of the expected rebuttal, but it does not come. Lena buttons her maroon coat tucks her hair behind her ear and nods. “I’ll go back to my apartment tonight, if you need to reach me for more information, you know how to find me. I promise no more traps.”</p>
<p>“I’d prefer if you stayed?” A question, not entirely firm.</p>
<p>“I’d really rather not.” Lena pulls a tight smile and walks towards the door. Lena pauses and turns, “I always felt… so safe here, and with you. I cannot express how thankful I am that you let me in tonight. You were a great friend, Kara.”</p>
<p>Lena tries not to see the way Kara fights the words fighting to leave her lips, she wishes she could stop the doubt in her mind that they are not all kind. She is insulted Kara and her character enough. She slips through the door, and she prays as she makes her way to the street and into the blank map of National City made anew from all her burned bridges, that it is not the last time she is allowed into Kara’s personal spaces.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>